Liz: How do you trick women into bed?
Cathy: Wow. How do you know? How do you do it?
Liz: I know all about it. This is Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo.
Cathy: This is Dr. Liz from Sex Positive Psych.
Liz: So this is a question that we see really commonly, especially from single men.
Cathy: The pick-up artist community.
Liz: The pick-up artist community and I think that if we’re looking for like a simple answer to the question that was asked …
Cathy: Yes.
Liz: … the simple answer is there are lots of ways to trick folks to do things, right? Like I can lie, cheat, steal. I could do anything I wanted to deceive someone into doing what I want them to do. But I would wonder how that’s actually going to end up being for you.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Right?
Cathy: Is it going to be the experience you want to have?
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: Hey, Liz. There’s a whole lot of laundry in the dryer. If you fold it all, there’s a $10 bill tied – stapled in one of the shirts.
Liz: Oh my gosh. I’m totally going to do that. That’s amazing. Then I’m not going to find the $10 bill and I’m going to be really pissed.
Cathy: And you’re never going to trust me again.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: And I’m never going to get her to do the laundry again.
Liz: Yeah. And I think when we zoom out, right? This question comes from a place of a fear that if you’re yourself, you will never get anyone.
Cathy: And people won’t want to be with you for just who you are.
Liz: Right. I think that what I want to validate is the hurt and the fear behind that, right?
Cathy: The scarcity, the feeling that there isn’t enough.
Liz: Yeah, that there isn’t enough or that people aren’t going to like you or that you’re not good enough. I’ve had a lot of experience in my life of people telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t doing the right things, that I wasn’t doing the things I should do. It’s probably why I have the hair I do, whatever. My way of rebelling against those who would tell me what to do with my life.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: But I think that when you act from that place of pain and try to trick someone into giving you the thing that you want, you actually end up reinforcing that belief that you’re not good enough on your own.
Cathy: That you have to convince people in ways that are manipulative or controlling to get what you want versus learning some really amazing skills to communicate and connect with people in different ways.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: There’s some amazing information out there. One thing I encourage my clients to do is to learn sex skills so they have the confidence. Not to trick someone or manipulate them, but just so – if you make an invitation, “Hey Liz, would you like to sleep with me?” there’s that – behind it like it can probably be a fun time.
Liz: Right, yeah. I think – Dan Savage talks about this a lot of don’t think about getting yourself laid today. Think about making yourself someone that people would want to sleep with.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Right? What is it that makes you special? Everyone has things that make them special, right? Who are you? What are you offering? What are you bringing to the table? If all you’re bringing to the table is that you want to have sex, I mean – there’s a great article that I love that the premise is dick is abundant and low value, right?
If all you’re offering me is your penis, I can get as many penises as I would like, right? But if you’re offering me a really witty conversation that’s really fun and funny and you know how to dance, that’s a whole different ballgame.
Cathy: Or you can bring a new level of presence to the connection because humans are starved for genuine presence. If I’m sitting here trying to think about how to manipulate Liz to sleep with me, I’m not really connecting with her. I’m not being present with her as a human being. So she’s not feeling filled up and even if we don’t sleep together, if I can be really present and leave someone feeling good and myself feeling good, because of the deep connection, that’s wonderful.
Liz: Yeah. It’s – I think that what we’re talking about here in a lot of ways is a short game versus a long game, right? If your short game is I want to get laid tonight, sure. Trick someone into bed, right? If that’s what’s going to make you feel better tonight …
Cathy: If you go to the bar, usually around 2 o’clock, there are a lot of drunk people that want to be tricked into bed probably.
Liz: Right. There are people who have –
Cathy: And there are people that don’t want to be. I’m not advocating that.
Liz: Right. There are some people who have drunk enough to lower their inhibitions to the point where they’re comfortable having casual sex, right? Which is a whole another topic we could talk about. But if in the long run what you’re looking for is connection and pleasure and enjoyment, tricking someone into giving that to you is never going to be real, because they’re not actually connecting with you.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: They’re connecting with this character you’ve created.
Cathy: I also invite you to ask yourself what you really want and get out of a sexual connection. A lot of us have been taught that we get status. If we’re feeling low or feeling not like we’re a valuable human being, if we can connect sexually, we have that momentary burst. Just like when we need some fuel and we eat a candy bar. A short term burst of, “Oh, I feel a little bit better about myself.”
But especially if we had to trick or manipulate to get there, it falls off really fast that we can end up feeling worse than when we started. If what you’re looking for is a genuine connection, a feeling of fulfillment, a bonding of two people, you’re not going to get that by tricking. So I encourage you, learn new skills about communication, authenticity. Hang out with a community of people that – I really love our community where people are like – you can get filled up whether you’re having sex or not because people are being real and sharing ideas and being present with each other.
Liz: And develop yourself. Like date yourself. Make yourself awesome. What is it that drives you? What is it that you’re passionate about? Dive into those things. Bring those things to the table because you are unique. There’s no one who is like you. When you bring that to the able, that’s what’s interesting. That’s what’s enticing. When you’re trying to be like everybody else or trying to be this like suave pick-up artist dude, there are thousands of those. There’s only one you.
Cathy: Yeah. You’re probably just going to connect with people that – like I can usually see through people who are tricking. Anyone who’s being really present and has some self-confidence is probably not going to fall for the trick. So you’re going to get the people that haven’t worked on themselves. You’re not going to necessarily feel as fulfilled.
Liz: Yeah. And how many years do you want to spend tricking folks into bed that you can only see once or twice before they see through the game?
Cathy: Or that you’re bored with.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: So the short answer in how to trick women into bed, don’t.
Liz: Don’t. It’s better for all of us.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: All right. I’m Dr. Liz signing off.
Cathy: Yeah, Cathy Vartuli. Leave comments below.
Liz: Comments. If you disagree with us, if you agree, whatever, we want to hear from you.
Cathy: Yeah.
