This is Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. Today I’m talking about a very important topic – how to not be a jerk when you’re in the middle of a breakup.
Now look, we’ve all been there. Someone has shattered your heart. You are hurting so deeply. Maybe they even did something really terrible. Now by really terrible, I want to caveat. I’m not talking about someone who violated your consent, someone who abused you, someone who like cheated with your brother maybe.
There is such a strong temptation when we break up with someone to just trash them. In fact, the mainstream monogamy mindset tells us that once we break up with someone, they must be dead to us forever. We can no longer be their friend. We can’t talk to them anymore. They must be a terrible human being because obviously they weren’t the one, which means they’re awful and we should just get rid of them forever.
The thing is most of our communities, most of our worlds are pretty darn small. It is harder and harder these days to never see an ex again, to never speak with an ex again. So wouldn’t it be better for all of us if we just learned how to be a little bit kinder in the middle of our breakups?
I get it. When things end, it’s really hard. But do you really want to be the person who goes on Facebook and trashes every person you’ve ever dated? What does that say about you?
For me, if I’m getting ready to date someone and the only things that they say about their exes are negative things or if they don’t speak or aren’t friends with any of their former partners, I’m going to be really worried about what’s going to happen if one day I don’t want to be in a relationship with them anymore.
Part of why this topic is important to me is because I’ve personally had someone be a really big jerk to me after we broke up. When my ex-husband and I split, he posted a public note on Facebook with his theories of everyone he thought I had had sex with, to cheat on him.
He then said to everyone, all of our mutual friends, that they all have to pick sides and if they said they weren’t choosing sides, he would know which side they had chosen.
As you can imagine, it was pretty awful for me. I was humiliated publicly. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends. My mother found that note and it felt terrible. It felt like the whole world was caving in.
While I’m sure that for him in that moment, it felt really great, I bet that if he looked back at that note today, he wouldn’t feel so good about that. When we act like a jerk in our breakups, we end up doing things that we’re later going to feel badly about.
So what do you do instead? Let’s say you’re in the middle of a breakup. You’re feeling really tempted to just post that story on social media. Here’s what I would say instead.
Step one, take a break. Give yourself a couple of days to just mull it over. Write whatever it is that you want to write. Save it as a draft and then just put it away. Sleep on it a couple of times. Give yourself some space. A lot of times when we act like really big jerks in the middle of a breakup, it’s because we’re in the middle of strong emotions. We haven’t given ourselves a pause to really get some distance from it, to see if that’s our best choice.
So give yourself that break. Take a couple of minutes. That is going to be just as mean and perfect on social media in two days as it is right now. So give yourself that space.
Number two, ask yourself, “What are my values?” What is it that’s important to me? For me, one of my values is about being the best person that I can be towards others, about showing caring and compassion for others.
If I have written something really nasty about someone who I had a breakup with and I’m thinking about posting it, if I remind myself that one of my values is caring and compassion, I’m probably going to see that that’s not actually in line with my values.
The more things we do that are out of line with what’s important to us, the more likely it is that we’re going to regret those things that we did.
If you remind yourself of what your values are before you act, you’re much less likely to feel badly about the things that you did afterwards and much less likely to be a jerk.
Number three, find some friends who will give it to you straight. So look, we all have friends who will totally be that devil on our shoulder and sometimes you need that person. Sometimes you need that person who’s going to encourage you to get up on the bar and do your own Coyote Ugly impression.
However, in the middle of a breakup, what you probably need are people who are going to love you and care about you enough to let you know if you’re fucking up.
If you do something and one of your friends come to you and says, “Hey, why did you do this thing? I’m really worried about you. Is this really who you are?” try to listen to them. Hear what they’re saying. Receive that feedback. I can almost guarantee that they’re giving it to you from a place of love and not a place of judgment or shaming.
So make sure that you have some friends who can check you. So again, how can you not be a jerk during a breakup?
Number one, give it some space. Let yourself think on it. Sleep on it. Take some time. Number two, remind yourself of what your values are. What is important to you? Is this in line with those values? Number three, have some friends who will give it to you straight.
I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych and I will see you next time. Do you have questions or comments? Type them on down below. Can’t wait to see them.
How can you take good care of yourself after a break-up? I’m Dr. Liz from sexpositivepsych.com. A lot of people asked me, “I’m so heartbroken, what do I do now?” “How do I not just dive into this pit of misery?” Look, I get it, break-ups are so hard. It feels like someone is literally ripping your heart out of your chest. And it is so easy to dive into a pit of Ben and Jerry’s and misery and Netflix. However, that doesn’t tend to actually feel like good in the long run. So what can you do to make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself?
Well, number one, number one thing I would say is “Remind yourself of what actually feels good.” Here’s the thing, when I’ve been in the pit of Ben and Jerry’s, which trust me, have I ever been in the pit of Ben and Jerry’s? I’m eating all that ice cream, I’m doing all these things because I’m hoping that it will feel good. Well, while I’m eating that ice cream, I’m not really actually paying attention to it. I’m too focused on how sad I am or how upset I am or that script in my head of like how terrible they are or how terrible I must be for us to be broken up for me to actually notice what I’m doing.
So slow way down and notice the pleasure. Find something, a little something every day that will give you just a little bit of pleasure and dive into that. Be there in that moment. Be mindful, be present, be 100% in it. Because if you’re going to find that little small seed of pleasure, it’s going to help lift you up.
Number two self-care tip during a break-up, “Find your buddies.” In one of my other videos about break-ups, I talked about how you need friends who will give it to you straight and not bullshit you in the middle of a break-up. What you also need during your break-up are those friends who are going to come over and let you just cry all over them, who are going to pat your head, tell you it’s going to be OK, say all the things that you need to say. Find those friends, who are the people that you feel comfortable just losing it around, who are the people who can hear you saying all kinds of weird things and not judge you for them, who are those people who can see the full richness of your experience and be totally OK with it.
Number three tip self-care during a break-up, “Make sure that you're doing the basics.” Human struggle when we’re not showering, when we’re not eating or when we’re not getting enough water, when we’re not getting any sleep. So as much as possible, prioritize good sleep. Prioritize giving in some food. Prioritize getting in a shower. You know the rules at the conference that I go to are 6, 2 1. Make sure you get a minimum of six hours of sleep a night, you eat a minimum of two meals and take a minimum of one shower. These are great rules or guidelines during a break-up too.
Make sure you’re getting at least six hours of sleep as much as possible. Go to bed early, turn the lights off, work on dumping your brain before you go to bed so you can get some sleep. Make sure that you’re eating at least two meals a day. And meals can’t just be Ben and Jerry’s. Something that has some protein, that has some vegetables, that has some kind of vitamins to help brighten up your body. Make sure you’re getting at least one shower a day. Make sure that you’re drinking plenty of water. Human bodies don’t do well when they don’t have enough water. And if you can, get up and do some kind of movement. Even if you just walk around the block, human bodies are made to move. So when we don’t move for a while, our bodies start to feel really bad. and it’s going to make you even more sad and even more depressed.
Number four tip for self-care after a break-up, “Let yourself feel it.” It’s so tempting when we have feelings that are painful or challenging to try and run away from them or not feel them. Or, on the flip side, to dive all the way into them and become them. Instead, see if you can find a way to let those feelings be in you and pass through you. Emotions, they are like energy. Once they’re there, they have to run their course or they’re never going to go away. So you can’t just push them away and hope you’ll never have to deal with them. Trust me, they will come back. On the flip side, if you let yourself be consumed by and defined by those feelings, they’ll never end up running their own course. So see if you can just notice those feelings. Let them feel all the way through your body and be present with them without being them.
Number five, last tip, self-care during a break-up, “Be gentle with yourself.” Break-ups are fucking hard. No matter who you are, no matter how many break-ups you’ve had before, no matter how little you may have thought that this break-up would affect you, it’s OK if it’s really fucking hard. Don’t judge yourself for how you’re feeling. However, you’re feeling is exactly what you’re feeling and it’s OK. Emotions aren’t ever wrong. They just give us information so let yourself have your feelings and don’t judge yourself or shame yourself if it’s hard for you. if you’re struggling, that is totally OK.
So those are my top 5 self-care tips for break-ups. Do have great tips for break-ups? Do you have questions or comments? Leave them down below. Otherwise, I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych and I’ll see you soon.
Why is it important to know about your own patterns in a relationship? I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. And today, I’m talking about the third most common pitfall I see in non-monogamous relationships. And that is people who don’t know their own patterns. So here’s the thing, you as a person know yourself better than anyone else ever could. You’ve been with yourself longer than anyone else in your life. You’ve known yourself more and you’ve spent more time with yourself than anyone else. So if there is anyone who knows you, it’s probably you.
And yet, so many folks end up blind to how they tend to act in relationships. So how does this manifest? I’ll tell you a personal example. I love dating and I love new people. I’m a slut, I’m slutty with my heart. I love falling in love. What that can mean though is that I dive super deeply into new relationship energy. When I’m in NRE which is the abbreviation for new relationship energy, I will often find myself swept up by the current to such a strong degree that I start saying and doing things that I probably shouldn’t. [Giggle]
For instance, it is common for me during NRE to make promises about wanting to get married or have children or move in with people and share a bedroom. Why is this a problem? Because once NRE is over and we’re six to eight months into the relationship, I generally don’t want those things anymore. There are several people whose hearts I’ve broken because I wasn’t able to be clear on and communicative about my patterns in NRE.
All of us have patterns in relationships. For me, when someone hurts me or I am upset, what I tend to do is withdraw. If I feel like someone isn’t respecting one of my boundaries, what I tend to do is make the boundary harder and even further out. I push more and more. If I am dating someone and I feel like they’re not giving me enough attention, what I’ll do is just start giving them the cold shoulder. Knowing these about myself, allows me to interact more fully with people because I know what I’m doing and I could prepare them for what might come up.
Another pattern I have, I am really great at responding to other people’s communications. If some texts me or calls me or emails me, I’m really good at responding to it. I’m pretty bad sometimes at remembering to send that first message though because I know these things about myself. When I start dating someone, when I form new friendships, when I have new relationships, I can tell people that I’m dating, “Here are the things you need to know about me.” “If you notice these things are starting to happen, here’s how you can talk to me about them.” These are the patterns that I know about myself.
Having that self-knowledge lets them win with me. it gives them the information that they need to make good decisions when things get tough. It makes it so that we are much more likely to have a successful long-term relationship because they don’t have to guess what’s going on. If you take the time to get to know yourself, to ask yourself “What is it that I tend to do?” “What are my patterns?” “How do I tend to react to different things in relationships?” Taking that self-knowledge gives you a huge advantage especially in non-monogamy.
When we’re dating multiple people, it’s necessarily more complicated in terms of logistics. You’re handling more emotions, you’re handling more schedules, there’s a lot more happening. So the easier that you can make it for the people that you’re dating, the more likely it is that your relationship will be successful. So take some time, get to know yourself, sit down and have a really honest, hard look at who you are and what it is that you do.
What are your patterns? Because once you know them, you can start figuring them out. You can change them, you can communicate about them. We can’t change things we don’t know. So what is the number three most common pitfall in non-monogamy? Not knowing your own patterns. And how do you fix it? Take some time. Ask yourself the hard questions, get to know yourself. If you have former partners that you’re close with or friends whose opinions you trust and who you trust to be honest, ask them what they’ve seen.
Get that data, get that information so that moving forward, you can make sure you’re making good decisions and that you’re acting in a way that is in line with your values and what you want. I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-PositivePsych. If you have comments or questions, feel free to post them down there. This is the end of my three-part series of the most common pitfalls in non-monogamy. What else do you want to see on this channel? Let me know. I can’t wait to see you next time.
Why is it so important to say “No”? I’m Doctor Liz from Sex–Positive Psych. And today, I’m talking about the second most common problem I see in non–monogamy and that is not saying no. I see so many folks who, in their relationships are really afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings. And so they don’t say no even when they mean it. What do you think happens though when your partner asks for something and you say “Yes” but you don’t really mean it? What I see is resentment. All of these yeses that people give that they don’t really mean, they build and they build and they build until someone feels so resentful and angry that they can’t go forward anymore.
A lot of us growing up don’t learn how to have good boundaries. We get punished for saying no. We get told that our “No” isn’t valid or important or that our “No” is hurtful and harmful. The thing is a grownup, that’s not actually a helpful lesson. Your “No,” your boundaries are hugely important. The people in your life do best when you take care of yourself. And if you’re not saying no, if you’re not setting boundaries, you are not taking care of yourself. Imagine if you said yes to every single person who wanted to date you no matter who they were no matter how they asked. Do it on the street catcalling you, that’s a yes. A person who made a random comment on your Facebook, that’s a yes. Would you ever have any time to date the people you really wanted to date? No.
Imagine if you said “Yes” to every single appointment that someone asked for from you, every person who wants to hang out, every party that invites you, you say yes to them all. If you’re anything like me you’d end up skipping from party to party to party to party. Ten parties in a night just trying to make sure that you never had to say no to anyone. I think that our cultural fears around saying “No” are part of why ghosting has become so common rather than actually telling someone “I don’t want to date you.” It’s easier to just stop responding and pretend you don’t exist anymore. All of us owe each other the courtesy and the kindness to say no. If I ask someone for something and they tell me no, it frees me up to find someone else who wants to say yes.
For instance, if I’m at a sex party and I really want someone to finger me. And I walk up to the first person I’m like, “Hey would you like to finger me?” and they say, “Oh, sure.” but they’re not actually into it, am I going to have a good time? No. I would so much rather they say “No” and free me up to find someone who wants to do it. Your no is a gift. Your no is a profound act of self-care. Your no is important and when you don’t say no, you’re falling into one of the biggest pitfalls that I see in non-monogamy. So problem number two with non-monogamy, not saying no. How do you fix it? Set good boundaries. Take a chance say no. You deserve to get the things that you want and you deserve to be able to say no.
Anyone who gets super pissed at you or makes a really big deal out of your no is someone who doesn’t respect you. No’s can hurt, no’s can be hard to accept but at the end of the day, your no is how you take care of yourself. It is how you make sure that you are getting what you need. And anyone who says that they care about you or love you and can’t take your “No” is someone who is not doing what’s best for you so say no. Give it a shot, practice with it. Try it in low stick situations first, even ask a partner for an experiment date where you’re going to say no to everything first.
You can always change your mind, change it to a yes but your default position is going to be no. Try it out, you might be surprised how much no can do for you. So number two, problem number two, biggest, most common problem I see in non-monogamy is people not saying no. If you have questions or comments, take them on down there and otherwise I’ll see you next time. I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych.
Why is it important to ask for what you want in a relationship? Hi, I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive
Psych. And today, I’m diving deeper into the first of the three most common problems in non-
monogamy. And that problem is not asking for what you want. So imagine this, you’re going out
with someone, you’re going on a date, you thought everything was going to be fine. Then you
get to the date and you can kind of tell that something is not working. And you asked him and
you’re like “Hey, is everything OK?” He’ll say “Oh yeah, it’s fine” and you looked at him and
you’re like “It seems like something is not OK, like what’s going on? Tell me what’s going on”
but “Oh no, it’s– it’s fine.” Have any of you ever had that experience? I know I have.
The thing is most of us aren’t mind readers. Most of us are really terrible in fact at guessing
what’s going through other people’s heads because at best, we make our guesses based on what
we know of that person and how our brains operate. And just because your brain operates that
way, doesn’t mean that theirs does too. When we’re in a relationship and we don’t ask for what
we want, it is almost impossible to guarantee we’re going to get it.
Here’s the thing, I see a lot of folks especially people who are new to non-monogamy who are really worried about being so brash as to ask for what they want. They’re worried about “What if this person says no?” and I
think they’re worried also about “What if this person says yes?” “What if I could actually get all
of the things that I want, all those things that would make my biggest dreams come true?”
When we don’t ask for what we want, we make sure that we don’t get it. I have seen so many
times people rejecting themselves for someone else. They don’t ask that person on a date. They
don’t ask the person to go down on them. They don’t ask the person to use their vibrator with
them because they’re so certain that the person would say, “No” and yet at least half of the time
if they finally do ask that person, the person says, “Yes.” Almost all of us want nothing more in
the world than to make our partners happy. We want to take care of ourselves, we want to take
care of our partners. And the thing is you can’t do that very well if you don’t know what your
partner needs.
So number one mistake in non-monogamy that I see is people not asking for what they want.
This will build resentment. If you’re not asking for what you want, you’re going to keep wanting
it and wanting it and hoping they’ll notice. And why haven’t they noticed? And why can’t they
just tell that this is what I need? So just ask. I know it’s hard. I know it’s challenging to ask to
ask for what you want but you can totally do it. If you’re worried about how to ask for what you
want, on my website, I’ll put a link down in the comments, there’s a great conversation formula
for when you’re having a difficult conversation. Reid Mihalko also has a great difficult conversation formula.
The thing is, if you want to get it, you have to ask for it. So number one common most problem
in non-monogamy, not asking for what you want. Have you solved it? Take a chance. Someone
can’t say “Yes” to you until you ask. If you ask, there’s at least a chance that they can say “Yes.”
If they say “No,” then at least you have the information you need to make a good decision.
For instance, I’m solo poly. If I ask someone– if I tell someone that I need to go on dates with
other people and they say that that’s not OK with them, I know that person isn’t a good fit for
me. if I’m noticing that the way someone is playing with my genitals isn’t actually working very
well for me and I give them that feedback and they won’t change or respond, that’s not someone
who’s going to be a good sexual match for me.
If you ask for what’s important to you from what you need and that person can’t give it to you,
that’s OK. Now you can make new choices about your relationship. Maybe the style of
relationship changes, maybe there are new things you have to negotiate, maybe this is the time
for your relationship to a transition. But regardless, you aren’t going to get what you want until
you ask. So just do it. Open your mouth, use your words and ask for it.
The final resource I’ll offer you on this, if you really want to dive deep into how to use your
words to get what you want, I’ve got two online courses available. The first one, gnash teeth on the negotiation
is like if you took a dirty talk class and put some communication skills in with it.
It’s a great way to get what you want in a way that it’s fun and sexy. If you want to dive even
deeper, my 6-week webinar course, Your Erotic Voice is a great way for you to explore who it is
that you are and how you can get what you want in the bedroom and beyond. I’ll put links to
those down here in the comments as well.
So again, number one problem in non-monogamy, not asking for what you want. How do you
solve it? Take a chance. Give it a shot. The worst the person could do is say “No.” And since
you’re already in the realm where they are by default saying “No,” you’ve got nothing to lose.
I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. Leave any comments or questions down below. Can’t wait
to hear from you.
In dating, what does it mean when someone says, “No drama?” I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. And today, we’re talking more dating pitfalls.
One thing that I have a lot of people talk to me about is finding a lot of profiles where people will explicitly state, “No drama. Don’t bring your drama. I don’t want to deal with your drama.” And on the surface, this seems like a great idea. How many of us in our lives have a lot of room for someone else’s stuff? Most of us are working really hard to take care of ourselves. We’re working really hard to make sure that we have our own self under control.
And yet, while this would seem to be about not introducing unnecessary hassle or stress into someone’s life, what I tend to see this actually meaning is no feelings especially not feelings like sadness or disappointment or frustration or anger.
Maybe you’ve noticed the same thing I do, which is that the people who are the first to say, “No drama, I hate drama,” are often at the center of drama. It seems like this has unfortunately become a phrase used frequently by those who tend to step on a lot of toes but don’t want to hear about it. And that’s frustrating because if someone hurts you, you have every right to want to be able to address that with them.
If someone has done something that is inconsiderate or hurtful, it is in fact your responsibility as a grown up to address that with them as directly as you feel comfortable doing.
And when people say, “Uh! I don’t want your drama. Don’t bring me your drama. Why are you causing so much drama?” Usually what they’re saying is, “I don’t want to be responsible for the drama I’ve created. I caused hurt. I caused heartache but I don’t want to deal with that so you hold it. Stop making it my problem.”
Now, that’s of course not always the case. But if you run into someone who is super insistent that want no drama in their lives, it’s worth asking some questions. After all, we are all human. None of us are perfect. And whenever you have two or more humans interacting, there’s going to be conflict. There are going to be ways in which we disagree or we don’t match. And that kind of conflict while inevitable, it matters most how you deal with it.
So drama in my experience comes from people who are unwilling to sit down, take accountability, be available, and talk about those things. Or from people who really enjoy jumping into other people’s stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with them. And again, when someone says, “No drama,” it’s worth asking, “Does that mean I have space to be human with you? Do I have space to struggle? Do I have space to hurt? What happens if you disappoint me or if something makes me angry that you’ve done? Is that drama? How do you define drama?”
Because if what they’re by no drama is that they don’t want people jumping into things that aren’t theirs, they don’t want people who aren’t involved in the situation trying to cause a huge mess of the situation, so like people who love to talk about everyone else’s business, if that’s what they’re talking about that they don’t want those people, that’s one thing.
But if what they’re saying with no drama is, “I don’t want to be accountable for my actions so keep your feelings to yourself,” it’s worth the conversation.
I’m Dr. Liz. If you want more help figuring out how to navigate the world of dating, I’ve got an amazing course for you. It’s called Your Erotic Voice. There’s more information about it below in the description. And leave me comments. Let me know. What are your questions? What do you think? If you disagree with me, absolutely post it here. Let me know. And I’ll see you next time.
Hey everyone. This is Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. Why do I hate chill? How many of you in the current dating world have been in a situation where you’ve been seeing someone a few times? You hang out. You see each other. You text. You call. You maybe have sex or some kind of sexual interaction but the second one of you asks, “Hey, what is it we’re doing here?” you somehow feel like you lost.
What is that? Why is it that in our relationships right now, the value we have highest is for chill, for not ever asking for anything, for not ever asking what we are, what we’re doing, why it matters, any of those things?
What’s important about chill? The thing is what I tend to see is that people use chill as a stand-in for “I don’t want to be accountable.” I don’t want to have to worry about how my actions are impacting you. We’re going to have this race to see who can be the most blasé. We’re going to see who can be the least invested and that person wins.
The problem with this strategy is that at its very core, it is predicated on not being real and not being vulnerable. It depends on you hiding what it is that you want, hiding who it is that you are. So why would you want to be chill? People who are chill can’t be a human. People who are chill can’t be hot. They can’t be fiery. Don’t you want to be those things too?
So if you find yourself in a dating situation and you’re wondering why chill is so important, maybe do what I do. I say fuck chill. I don’t want to be chill. I am not a chill person. I am passionate! I have interests. I have things that I care about. I am really interested in developing intimacy with people, even if that intimacy means I have no ability to tell them what to do with their minds or their bodies or their time. I want to know the real person. I don’t want to know the façade that they are trying to show me.
So I don’t want chill. I don’t want to be chill either. Do you? So take some time. Next time you’re dating someone or seeing them or hanging out, figure out if Netflix and chill is actually right for you. I know for me, I say no to chill.
This is Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. If you want to know more about what I do, you can check the link below. If chill is a big deal for you and you don’t know how to get past it, you don’t know how to let these folks know that you don’t want chill, I’ve got a great course coming up for you. It’s called Your Erotic Voice.
If you want to know more, I’ve got a link right below in the first comment. I’ve got a link below in the description.
So talk to me. Let me know what you think. Leave me comments. Do you disagree? Do you think chill is awesome? I’m happy to hear your thoughts. I will talk to you next time.
Cathy: So what if desire or love is kind of waned? How do you bring it back and how do you respect consent and nos around that? This is Liz Powell from Sex-Positive Psych.
Liz: And this Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo.
Cathy: And it can be really challenging because a lot of the advice out there is schedule a date whether you want to go or not.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: Spend time touching each other even if it doesn’t feel like you’re not really like, “Oh, I want to do that.” And I think some of that advice can be useful at times because it does help you to prime well sometimes.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: And where is that boundary between “I have a no” and “OK, it’s kind of a chore but let’s rekindle it. Let’s prime the pump”?
Liz: Right. It’s like I love running. I hate starting my run. Right?
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Like putting on my clothes and starting to run is terrible. And then once I’m running, most of the time it’s pretty good, right?
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: I feel great after regardless of how terrible the run is. So sometimes you have to get through that phase of like putting on the clothes. I also think that a lot of people when they’re coming to this place where the desire has waned, there’s a lot of like either buildup resentment or things that they left unsaid that they haven’t actually work through yet. And it’s hard to start closing that gap when you haven’t acknowledged that it exists.
Cathy: You haven’t taken out the trash in five years and I don’t want to touch you.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: Versus, “OK, I scraped that up. I’d like to clean up but I didn’t take out the trash and I’m committed to hiring someone to come take out the trash for us. And now, would you like to go explore?”
Liz: And part of that is you have to own what it is that’s important to you and tell your partner. You have to say like you haven’t – you can’t just be like, “I don’t want to touch you because you never take out the trash.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: It has to be, “It’s really important to me that we have a clean house and I feel like I do a lot of housework around here.”
Cathy: And you’ve been cutting on integrity on your promise to take out the trash.
Liz: Right. You promised to take out the trash and I feel really frustrated when I feel like I’m following through on my end of the bargain and you’re not and it makes me less close to you.
Cathy: Yeah. I think being really – if we can be honest about the hurt we have in a way that owns our own feelings and not like, “You’re a really bad person. Look at all the bad things you did” which is hard. It’s hard. I recommend Reid Mihalko’s practice conversations. Find a friend say, “I need to practice and I would like you to hold me accountable.”
So first, I’m going to tell it in a blunt way, “He’s a horrible person and all the things.” And I just get it out. And then, “OK, this is how I’m actually going to try talking to this person. Do you have any feedback? OK, cool. That’s a good upgrade. OK. I’m going to do it by Tuesday and you can call me up if I haven’t done it.”
Liz: Yeah. And I think you have to clear that first before you can start closing gap.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Until you’ve owned what is it that space between you …
Cathy: Otherwise the resentment is going to be in the touch and it’s going to be there between you.
Liz: It’s hard to be vulnerable when you’re feeling resentful, right? It’s hard to be genuine and connected when you’re still holding on to, “And you never take out the trash.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: It pulls you back immediately.
Cathy: There’s basically a big bag of trash between you.
Liz: Yeah, there’s a giant bag of trash between you. The other thing I would say is that I think what a lot of people don’t do that in that space is give themselves distance between them and their partner to rekindle over. Like if you’re living with each other and you see each other all the time, it’s really hard to feel as much desire for your partner because there’s always there.
So think about the last time you felt a lot of desire for your partner. Was it a vacation? Was it something else you did? And think about what it was that helped you feel that desire. Was it where you were? Was it that you didn’t have to deal with the kids and like cleaning your own room? Was it that you keep going out to these really nice dinners and you were having these beautiful sensual meals?
Cathy: Or that you hadn’t seen each other for 5 days.
Liz: Right. Like they had just come back from a trip and you just were dying to see them. Figure out what those factors are and then move from there to design how you’re going to move forward.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Emily Nagoski in Come as You Are has a really great form you can fill out to help look at those factors.
Cathy: Yeah. So just kind of explore what your needs are too. Like if you each have things to say, “Hey, this is what I need right now today.” Just that vulnerability is really beautiful but also giving each other space even though they’re not always mutually compatible. Just giving each other some space to get those needs met, it can be really beautiful and a way to discover each other in the ways that you may never discover each other before.
Liz: You can also start sharing stuff that turns you on. Like if you love some erotica, you can like email your partner some erotica and be like, “I was reading this. Thought you might enjoy it.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Or if you like porn, you can send them a link to some porn that you like. You can tell them what one of your fantasies is. But connecting with your own turn-on and then taking the step and the courage to share that with your partner can help start building desire between the two of you.
Cathy: And I believe in really conscious relationships. Think about, what does this person like? If you feel there’s a lot between you, is this really right or are you just trying to repair it because you think you should be in a relationship with this person? If you look at it and consciously decide, it might be something you sit down and like, “Why are we in a relationship together? What do we want to achieve out of this relationship?”
If you decide you want the relationship and you want to have a sexual connection to be part of that because you don’t – it doesn’t have to be then figuring out ways to explore each other and rediscover each other, that’s powerful because it’s a conscious choice as opposed to, “We ought to stick together if the worst is bad.”
Liz: Yeah. And I think so many people fall into that sunk cost fallacy of like, “Well, I’ve been with them for 5 years so of course, I need to try to fix this.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Putting more money after bad does not …
Cathy: It doesn’t make any good relationship. It’s a bad fit to begin with.
Liz: Yeah. If it’s not the right fit, and it may have been a great fit to start with and now it’s not. People grow and change. The only thing constant is change. And if you have grown away from each other, that doesn’t make either of you bad people.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: But it may mean you’re not the right fit for each other anymore.
Cathy: Yeah. So I encourage you to explore that. We’d love to know what you think.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: Put comments below.
Liz: Absolutely. Comments below.
Cathy: And can we do a video about what if desire is really gone?
Liz: Yeah, absolutely. Let’s talk about that.
Cathy: Because I think it happens and painful topic but worth it.
Cathy: So someone had said that they have trouble getting turned on without porn. And the porn has to involved men even though they’re a lesbian. And they’d like to have more power over their turn-on and is there anything wrong with them that they really like to watch men fuck when they’re loving?
So I really appreciate you writing in. I’m here with Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych.
Liz: I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo. So porn is a really controversial topic right now. ASECT just recently released their statement on porn addiction.
Cathy: That it does not exist.
Liz: Right. That porn addiction is not a valid – there’s no research to support fact conceptualization of the way that people interact with porn and that the diagnoses and the treatments currently applied, the research that we have, shows that they are harmful more so than helpful.
Porn is like a cheat code to your turn-on. If you could walk into a party full of the hottest people that you have ever known having the hottest sex possible and you can pick exactly who is in that party and exactly what they are doing, of course, you will get super turn on there.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: And I think that when people’s early experiences with turn-on are largely related to that. It kind of blows out their receptors so that it’s harder to find the lower area.
Cathy: It’s like if you eat a lot of sugar and then like you’re eating on this candy and then you eat like a strawberry, even though it might be sweet, it tastes sour.
Liz: Right. And I think that the way the human brain works is that we habituate to the stimuli put in front of us. So we use the things – we get used to feeling that like when you put your clothes on, when you first put them on, you feel them everywhere on your body. But after you’ve been wearing them for a bit, you don’t really feel them except when they’re like creasing or they’re creating new sensation.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Right. So, I think the same is true with these kinds of stimuli, with porn. If what you’re used to is a really high degree of stimuli, it’s going to be much harder for you to notice your turn-on or to respond as well to stimuli that are lower down that scale.
And this is – I was in the Army for 5 years as a psychologist. When we have folks coming back from deployment, it’s really common that they start doing super risky stuff.
Cathy: Because they’re so used to the threat around them.
Liz: Right. They’re used to – like if you ask them, OK, on a scale from 0 to 10, how much adrenaline do you get from playing call of duty? They’re like 4 or 5. How much adrenaline would you get from skydiving? And they’d be like 9 or 10. How much adrenaline do you get from deployment? They’ll say 11.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Right? So it’s blowing out their scale.
Cathy: And our bodies get used to that chemical response and we kind of want that.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: Even if it didn’t feel particularly good, we want to repeat that.
Liz: Yeah. And so, the thing that I would say is that number one, there’s nothing wrong with watching porn. As generalization, porn can be great especially if you’re paying for your porn which is the best way to ensure that it’s ethical porn from the people who want to be filming it especially if you’re watching porn that is like feminist porn or Art House porn, porn that is designed around themes of empowering people, of showing their genuine turn-on rather than – there’s kinky porn which is disempowerment and that in agreed upon setting …
Cathy: Confidential.
Liz: Right. Versus like objectification that seems less consensual. If however you’re finding that porn is necessary for you and you don’t want it to be that way, there are things that you can do.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Step one I would say is in order to find your turn-on, you’re going to have to probably take a break from porn. The same way that if you’ve been eating a ton of sugar, strawberries are going to keep tasting sour if you’re keep eating the sugar.
Cathy: If you wait a day or two, it starts to – your taste buds start reacting.
Liz: With porn especially if you’ve been watching porn for a really long time or it has been your favorite way of getting turn on for a really long time, it might take you a bit of time before you can rediscover your turn-on away from porn.
Cathy: The neural pathways are there.
Liz: The neural pathways are there. They’ve been really strongly reinforced. And so, it’s going to take time to rediscover it. That maybe a week, that maybe a month, it’s hard to say how long. But taking a break from porn might be a really good idea for you. Not that you have to give it up forever and for always but giving yourself a bit of palette cleanser so that you can taste the sweetness of the strawberries again.
The other thing I would say is when you’re masturbating, it’s really easy to get goal-directed in your masturbation.
Cathy: Going to orgasm.
Liz: Right. And like look, I’ve been there. There are nights where I’m like, “I just want to get off and then sleep.”
Cathy: Yup. And a nice, good orgasm helps you to sleep.
Liz: I want my before men orgasm. I’m pulling out my rechargeable Hitachi like let’s go. But if you’re always doing it the same way, what’s going to happen is your body will learn that that’s the only way that it can come. So take some time to explore your genitals in a less goal-directed way.
Cathy: And just your whole body, your skin, everywhere.
Liz: Yeah. Explore your skin. See if you have like a silky scarf for something that might feel interesting on your skin. Get back in touch with your sensation. Get back in touch with taking time.
Vulva-havers often struggle a lot more with orgasm than penis-havers do because our bodies are much more sensitive to stimuli outside of the sensual stimuli that we’re receiving. So like if your house is dirty or you have other stresses going on.
Part of what porn can do is override the mechanisms in your body that would otherwise put the brakes on because of those stressors.
Cathy: I also like to turn to the actual porn that I’ve been attracted to, to look for what’s a turn-on.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: So if you’re very – like if porn – notice what you’re experiencing with porn. If porn feels naughty, maybe that’s erotic for you.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: Or if you’re turn – if notice a certain kind of porn is very hot for you, there might be some fantasies to explore in your head. Maybe it could be erotic production would be something you want to experience sensually. But using that to watch it necessarily if you’re taking a break from it but notice, “Oh yeah, this is – this scene I was always getting really hot.” What about it? Or what about the people in it that was turning me on a lot?
And I also when I’m working with clients, I always ask – I ask them to explore like is porn safe because I’m not actually connecting with someone? Is there a fear of intimacy, a fear of being close to people that might be good to work through so that – and some of these fears are being close to yourself.
Liz: Well, there’s nothing more vulnerable than the moment of orgasm, right? It’s a moment where in order to achieve orgasm, you have to be able to let go of your walls and your shields especially if you want to have a powerful orgasm or a really strong orgasm.
Cathy: Yeah. You can’t be holding back.
Liz: Right. And it’s so much easier to do that when you’re masturbating with porn than it is when you’re with another person and having to let them see that authentic piece of you.
Cathy: There’s cognitive distraction knowing going on. You’re out there rather than here in your body with that person.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: So yeah, just asking yourself the question, does it feel safe for me to be that open with another human or even with myself?
Liz: Yeah. And the last thing I would say, your question asked about like I need to have men in my porn but I’m a lesbian.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: The porn that you like to watch doesn’t necessarily correlate to the things you like to do, right? Just because you like watching it, that doesn’t mean that it means anything about your sexuality. Sometimes there’s a lot hotter stuff happening in porn that has a man in it than a lesbian porn especially a lot of mainstream lesbian porn, it’s women with like super long fingernails.
Cathy: Yes. Like no, stay away.
Liz: And it doesn’t look like they actually know how to operate a vulva. So that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But if you notice that you’re still wanting to like see a dick, you could always experiment with that.
Cathy: Yeah. And there’s a difference also between what’s erotic, what we find sexy up here versus what we want to explore.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: And realized that there’s nothing wrong if you identify as a lesbian. That doesn’t mean you can’t have sex with men.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: If that’s what you want to explore.
Liz: If that’s what works for you. Yeah.
Cathy: Yeah. So we hope this helped.
Liz: Yeah, we hope this helped.
Cathy: We hope you’re sharing the ideas and what’s work for you. And we’d love to hear crowd-sourcing.
Liz: Absolutely, yeah.
Cathy: So how do you soothe yourself when you perceived disappointment or you’re feeling disappointed from something someone said? This is Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych.
Liz: This is Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo.
Cathy: And it can be really hard if someone tells you no or they promised something and they had let you down. It can be hard to be – like I will feel disappointed. And I think our society has taught us to kind of like use that against the other person. We now point against them because they’ve harmed you in some way.
And it’s – well that can be cliché in a non-authentic, non-vulnerable relationship, the kind of relationships we talk about for me are much more free, and yes, someone could be held in account and need to apologize and make redemption if they need. But that doesn’t mean that we get to use our emotions to manipulate each other.
Liz: Well, I think part of what that does when we use it as a weapon is it’s taking the hurt and putting it on the outside rather than forcing us to feel it on the inside.
Cathy: And it never goes away unless we actually feel it.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: So, if we can actually handle our own emotions, that doesn’t mean we can’t hold people accountable.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: It doesn’t mean that we can’t be disappointed or set boundaries like, “Wow! You’ve let me down three times now. If this happens again, I’m going to have to not play ahead with you,” or whatever that is.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: But when we say it where it blew in ourselves and owning our own feelings and being responsible for ourselves rather than, “You’ve done this horrible thing. You’ve wounded me and I’m a small child and you must take care of me now.” That forms a different kind of connection.
Liz: And I think it has different success rates as well. I think that when you are coming from that place of making someone else responsible for your feelings, it’s not going to be as clean a boundary, as clear a boundary. They’re less likely to receive that conversation as well as if you handle those emotions in yourself and then are moving towards those actions.
Cathy: Absolutely. And I think part of it depends on what kind of relationship you want to form. And admittedly, there’s a lot of people out there that have had trauma or been raised in an environment where their tanks are very empty and it feels like any way to get that fed is worth using because you’re scraping the bottom of the tank.
So if you can find ways to get your tanks filled, there are lots but we don’t have to get them filled through a primer relationship or romantic relationship. We can start getting them filled through friends which I know there’s a lot of resistance. I feel it sometimes. I’ve worked with clients that are like, “No, no, no. I want that prince charming. He’s supposed to ride on a horse.”
Liz: I have plenty of friends. It’s not the same.
Cathy: Yeah. That doesn’t mean they can’t help pour some cups of water into the tank so you’re not scraping the bottom.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: And I recommend to a lot of people like if you’re going on a date, get a massage beforehand, go to a cuddle party, masturbate, so you’re not feeling like into them.
Liz: Yeah. Something that I do with a lot of my clients who are doing dating work with me, is we’ll come up with like little cards that they could keep in their pocket that have things that they tell themselves if they get rejected. So when I’m working with a client who is trying to go meet people at bars or meet people at clubs, that’s a very difficult environment. You will get a lot of nos.
So before you go, what can you tell yourself to help you find the courage that you need to go ask? And then if you get a no, what can you remind yourself? Think about when you told people no. What was that no about? It usually wasn’t that person is a terrible person or they’re the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: It’s usually, it’s a no for me. Just not the right fit.
Cathy: Especially if the person asking isn’t saying, “Oh, if you say no, my whole world is going to crash in.” If it’s like, “Hey, I’m curious about this.” And there’s not a lot of pressure.
And one way I encourage people at play parties and at cuddle parties is to go out and try to get three to five nos. Ask for something you genuinely want to that’s a little outside your comfort zone like to ask for it and look for the nos. You’re trying to get nos and that kind of plays the truth game on its head a little bit.
Liz: Yeah. Figure out what your goal is. If you’re going out and your goal is to find the love of your life, you are bound to be let down.
Cathy: It’s unlikely to happen on a Friday night at the bar.
Liz: Right. It can. But it’s not particularly likely.
Cathy: You might want to buy lottery tickets too.
Liz: Yeah. I mean lottery can totally work for you all and every time. But if what your goal is, is to go out and experiment new behaviors, figure out, “What are different ways I can start a conversation with someone? What are different ways that feel authentic for me that I could walk up to someone? What are different ways that I can ask those questions?” And if you treat that as you experiment and that is your goal then getting the nos doesn’t feel like it’s addressing your goal. The nos are just ancillary to that process.
Cathy: I like to have a buddy too like I love to have a buddy with me, a wing person. But I know it’s not always possible. I’ll often arrange instead like my bestfriend. I’m like, “Hey, I’m going out tonight. I’m probably be home around 11. Are you available for me to call and decompress and celebrate and just like ahh!” And that’s really to know that I have that lined up ahead of time.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: So like if I started with the nos, I’m like, “I’m not in this alone. I have a buddy.” And I can also opt out like, “My tank is empty now.”
Liz: Right. And celebrate the successes you do have. Going up and asking someone is a success whether they say yes or no. So find that space in yourself to celebrate those successes and it will help you feel much better about the things that you’re doing and help ease that disappointment.
Cathy: I really encourage you to watch your self-talk too. If someone says no and you’re like, “Yup, I told you you’re stupid, fat, and ugly. Why did you even bother coming out tonight? You shouldn’t exist.” Like I have had talk like that in the past that I’ve learned to …
Liz: There’s a great song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend about that self-talk.
Cathy: Oh really?
Liz: Yes. It’s hilarious. The chorus is, “You ruined everything you stupid bitch.” Like you listen to that song and it’s funny and oh, it hits.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: So if you can watch your self-talk, that’s really useful. And realize that most emotions if we can just genuinely feel them, they will pass. When we’re fighting them or trying to push them away, they stick around a long time.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: And if you have a big reservoir of disappointment of anger or frustration about that, find a therapist or a coach to work through it because if you’re approaching with someone like, “You’re a bitch and I know you’re going to say no and prove that I’m not worthy …”
Liz: Or like if you’re going up to someone like, “Oh, of course they’re going to say no to me.” It’s, “Do you want to cuddle?”
Cathy: No.
Liz: Right. It feels sticky. It feels problematic.
Cathy: Yeah. Versus, “Hey, you seem pretty cool. Would you be interested in cuddling?”
Liz: Yeah, totally want to cuddle.
Cathy: So just realize that the energy is part of the dialogue and how you’re talking to yourself, how you’re carrying yourself and what you’re telling yourself about it is huge. So, if you can work through some of the old stuff, I love EFT, emotional freedom techniques, for clearing stuff or find a coach or a therapist that can help you work through it. And just practice in a fun way if you can.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: Look for the nos.
Liz: Find a game. Find a way that makes it fun and entertaining for you. And remember, it’s just a no, right? Like at the end of the day, it can be hurtful. It can be disappointing. But there are what? Seven billion people on this planet. Eventually, one of them is going to say yes.
Cathy: Yes. And it helps if you go approach them with a lighthearted energy if you can.
Liz: If you can.
Cathy: Yeah. We’d love to know what you think. I know this is a really tough subject.
Liz: It is. Rejection is such a tough subject for everyone.
Cathy: So let us know what you think. We’d love to know.
