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Dr. Liz: What tips do you have for preparing for your first kink event?

I mean the tips that I would give folks is like number one, you don’t have to do all of that.

I promise.

All the shopping you think you need to do, all the preparing you think you need to do, you’re going to go through the whole schedule and try to highlight every single class you want to go to but you don’t need to.

It’s OK. 

Rebecca: We had backups to like if we can’t get into this one then which one?

We had a whole plan.

It’s not necessary. 

Dr. Liz: Right. 

Rebecca: We overthought. 

Dr. Liz: Yeah.

And that’s the thing is that I think whenever you’re going into a new event, it’s pretty normal for a lot of people to feel like they want to overprepare so that they are ready for everything.

And I think especially with these kinds of kink events, you’re not necessarily going to know how you want to experience that until you’re there.

There have been several years I’ve gone to big kink events and I’ve taught one or two classes, attended like two or three more and spent most of the rest of the time in the vendor hall, hanging out with friends, doing other things because what I needed was more community and those kinds of experiences than like a bunch of classes or learning. 

So I would say like do less.

You don’t need to bring 3,000 costumes.

You can.

I support you.

But you don’t necessarily need it.

You don’t need to have every toy you think you’re ever going to need because you’re going to want to buy a million toys there. 

Rebecca: Take money or be prepared to spend money. 

Dr. Liz: Set your budget before you go because you will talk yourself into spending so much more than you thought you were going to. 

Rebecca: Or just have the self-control to follow your budget because we definitely overspent. 

Dr. Liz: I never followed my budget. I never do that ever. 

Rebecca: I don’t regret it but we overspent. 

Dr. Liz: Yeah.

And again, I think figure out what it is you want to get from the event.

What one thing do you want to make sure you get from the event?

Is it one class you want to make sure you make?

Is it one meet-up you want to make sure you go to?

Is it meeting one new person who you feel like to be a good friend or a good play partner?

What one thing do you want?

Because I think focusing on just one thing that’s the most important to you is going to make it way easier to make choices when you’re more tired than you thought you were going to be, when you haven’t eaten in 12 hours, all of a sudden you’re realizing you’re going to have start making choices about what to cut and get rid of.

And so knowing your main goal makes it easier to prioritize. 

Another thing I would recommend especially if you are going to a kink event, get on FetLife.

Make a profile on FetLife.

You can be as anonymous as you want.

I actually have two FetLifes.

I have one as Dr. Liz and then I have one to be horny on.

So you can find my FetLife, IAmDrLiz, that’s my Dr. Liz one.

I’m not going to tell you my horny one because I need to be a little anonymous.

Everybody sometimes needs a little anonymity for different reasons.

For me, I have that more anonymous FetLife because I don’t want people to talk to me just because I’m Dr. Liz.

I want people to want to play with me because I’m me, the person, not Dr. Liz, the public figure. 

So get a FetLife, FetLife.com.

It’s very straightforward.

It’s the ugliest social media you’ll ever use.

It has a horrendous geocities type interface.

You will feel like you are in 1990s internet land.

But it’s totally – it’s largely usable for the most part.

Most of the bigger kink events will have a group on FetLife that you can join where they will have different threads.

You can start talking to people. 

Frolicon, which I’m going to next weekend had a wish list thread and so I put together a list of all the things I might want to do at the con, posted it in the wish list thread, now I’ve got like a dozen people I’m talking to about possibly playing with. 

If you are someone who doesn’t know many people and you want to meet with people, volunteer.

Doing even just one volunteer shift will help you feel so much more at home.

If you are going alone without a partner or a friend group, doing a volunteer shift gives you an anchor point where you’re going to meet people, get entry to the event, have a way to figure out what’s going on, that’s a lot easier.  

I think also another tip I would give for your first one is just go with an open mind because people go to these events for all different reasons and approach it in all different ways.

So I know some people who go to these giant kink events don’t attend a single class.

That’s not as important to them.

They would rather spend the daytime kind of resting up or like hanging out with friends at the hotel and then go and party all night at the dungeon.

Then there are some people I know who like go for the classes and they might pop in the dungeon but that’s not really what they’re there for. 

So give yourself the space to try it out and see what feels better for you, where you want to be spending your time.

Don’t feel like you have to be at certain things or you have to be there for a certain amount of time.

Just listen to your body.

Listen to what’s working for you. 

A good rule for any conference weekend is 6-2-1, a minimum 6 hours of sleep, 2 meals, and 1 shower every day.

That’s the minimum.

That is not the maximum.

So if you’re getting less than that, it’s time to check that and make sure you take care of your body. 

I think the other tip I would give for your first big kink event is figure out what you’re going to need after because the crash can be a motherfucker.

Well, what’s your experience after this time? 

Rebecca: I mean I think we came home like high as a kite and rode that for several days and I never felt the crash in the way that I’ve heard some people talk about it.

But about 4 days later, I just – I physically was not able to stay awake anymore.

I would get home from work, we make dinner, we do all the kid things we needed to do, and I would want to like sit down and hang out or talk or watch a movie or do something and I’m like, “Honey, it’s like 7:30. I’m going to bed.”

I just – I could not physically stay awake.

And so I needed more rest for a couple of days. 

Dr. Liz: Right. 

Rebecca: But I didn’t have the same emotional crash that I’ve heard people talk about. 

Dr. Liz: Yeah.

I do tend to get the emotional crash.

I would get super depressed two, three days after an event and feel like I am super alone and nobody cares about me and nobody loves me and I’m going to be alone forever.

I mean look, my brain has been really on the, “I’m going to be alone forever” train for a while so like that part I’m kind of used to in some ways.

And there can be a very big emotional crash particularly if you’ve done heavier scenes during that weekend or if you’ve really like pushed the limits of your body in terms of sleep, energy, all those things.

If you’ve done a ton of classes, that is very energetically exhausting because your brain is working so hard. 

So just make sure that you’ve built in some kind of cushion as much as you can for when you come back.

The same way that like if you do a heavy scene, you need to have aftercare in place.

Going to a conference is going to have its own aftercare.

So just have some space for that.

Make sure that you have some resources for that, some backup or friends who can help you, just something to help you get through that period. 

Rebecca: I have two other quick ones. 

Dr. Liz: Do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go. 

Rebecca: Pack food because depending on where the dungeon is or what you’re doing, there may be lots of food options around. 

Dr. Liz: No food options. 

Rebecca: Or there may be very little or no. 

Dr. Liz: The one you went to, almost nothing. 

Rebecca: There was so little food option.

But pack food.

Pack good food that helps your body feel well, whatever that is.

I also found like late at night, we pack some gummy bears or some quick sugars like that.

That was super helpful. 

And then also depending on what you want to do there, so we did a lot of workshops and then we like take time to go back to the hotel, we get some dinner.

One of the days there, I wound up taking like an hour and a half nap. 

Dr. Liz: Yes, nap.

Nap as often as you can. 

Rebecca: Exactly.

That was super helpful because otherwise, I was like, “Oh gosh! I don’t know if I can do this staying up so late thing.”

So I took a nap and that helps me rebound.

It gave me the energy I need to go do some other things we wanted to do. 

Dr. Liz: Yeah, naps are great.

And I love bringing food especially like at kink stuff especially if you’re going to be bottoming, make sure you have some quick sugar food, so stuff that will make sugar hit your bloodstream real fast because part of what causes bigger subdrops, bigger crashes after scenes is that your body has gone through your blood sugar supplies and it is making you slow down completely so that you don’t die.

If you put sugar in it, it will be fine again. 

There’s actually a lot of fascinating research on it.

There’s a whole radio lab podcast where they talk about this and it’s amazing research that you should totally look up where like they had people doing biking or like running and they were measuring their energy levels and their endurance then they have them swish an energy drink with actual sugar or an energy drink with fake sugar and the ones with real sugar, their bodies were like, “You can have more energy, keep going,” even though they didn’t swallow it.

Just like tasting the actual sugar on their tongue, their body released more of its stores to make sure that they can keep going. 

So like bodies are weird.

They do weird stuff.

But be prepared.

Gummy bears are great.

I know a lot of people who love dried mango for that.

It works really well for them.

I like chocolates especially if I’ve been bottoming for a heavier scene, having my dom pull out a chocolate bar especially like a real nice chocolate bar and feed it to me piece by piece is a beautiful, beautiful aftercare activity that I really enjoy because it gets my blood sugar up and it’s very like connected and there’s a big sensory experience to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It’s a lot of fun. 

And I think also like these events are almost always way scarier in your head than they are in real life.

Most of the time at these events, people are super friendly, happy to meet new friends.

If they know it’s your first time, they’re going to introduce you to everybody.

It is a very community feeling for most of these events.

And so, it’s going to feel way scarier before you get there than it will once you’re there. 

Rebecca: Absolutely.

That is a thousand percent our experience. 

Dr. Liz: Yeah. 

Rebecca: We worked it up in our heads way more than we needed to.

Dr. Liz: Yeah. 

2023 is just around the corner! Many of you are likely reflecting on the last year and creating resolutions, which is great, but please keep these things in mind:

  • This is the turnover of a calendar year. There’s nothing magical about January 1st; we get to decide when we start and stop anything. You get to decide what to do in the next phase of your life, whether that phase starts January 1st, March 23rd, July 18th, or any other date.
  • Be kind to yourself. Loving yourself is just as important as challenging yourself. 
  •  It’s important to be patient with yourself. Growth looks different for everyone and happens at many different speeds. Also, growth is rarely linear, so remember that what looks like a step backward might be just another part of the looping journey of change. 
  • The body you have is yours and yours alone. While so many of us can feel pressure or temptation to change with the new calendar year, especially with weight loss and “fitness” messages everywhere, remember that your body is your paintbrush, not your artwork. Don’t wait to live until your body looks a certain way, live now. 
  • Don’t forget to check in with yourself to see if your ‘resolution’ is really something you want to focus your energy on. It’s easy to make the resolutions we think we should make or should want; you deserve better than to should all over yourself. You are the expert on yourself, not anyone else.
  • Notice how you think about yourself when you’re making resolutions. Are you thinking of yourself as a lazy, unruly, slovenly thing that needs to be disciplined and shaped up? Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself about your resolutions? Change is the most achievable and sustainable when it comes from a place of kindness, love, and understanding. Ask yourself what resolutions you would make if you thought of yourself as someone who is already trying their best and dealing with a lot of legitimately tough stuff, someone who deserves compassion and caring, someone who is already worthy of love and belonging.
  • Maximizing isn’t always the best idea. You deserve fun and relaxation and time to be lazy. Don’t let the productivity or achievement monsters eat up your entire life.

Among my circle of friends, I’m known as the one who’s VERY into Christmas love movies. I come by it honestly - my dad loves Hallmark Christmas movies and watches tons of them every year. I’ve been meaning for years to put together a guide to my favorite (and most hated) Christmas movies, and this year I finally got around to it. I’ve included a wide variety of options, from the genuinely good to the deliciously terrible, and even some that aren’t about love at all, so, hopefully, there’s something here for everyone.

The Good

These movies are ones that I think are genuinely well done, not just as holiday love movies, but as media in general.

The Holiday - Look, this is not just my favorite holiday love movie, it's one of my favorite movies. You've got a killer cast bringing you excellent performances, great editing, beautiful locations, personal growth … everything you could want! Plus, this movie shows how much we've all been missing by not having more rom-coms with Jack Black as the romantic lead. He's spectacular!
Home for Christmas - This is a series, not a movie, but it's worth the longer watching length. We follow Johanne on her quest to find a boyfriend before Christmas Eve so that her family and friends will get off of her case. If you've ever been the single person in a room full of people who show their love by reminding you how single you are, then you know how she feels. If you've had to navigate the frustrating and exhausting world of dating, you'll feel so seen. It's a fun, sweet show about being open to finding yourself and love that doesn't look how you expect it to.
Holidate - Want a holiday love movie that's about lots of holidays and also about people who hate holidays? One that's also about how shitty holidays can be when you're single? This movie has you covered! It's funny, sweet, and a great take on the genre.
Christmas in the Wild - Do you want to watch Rob Lowe take care of baby elephants in the African savannah? What if I throw in Kristin Davis as a veterinarian who gets fairly brutally dumped by her husband as their kid leaves for college? When you combine baby animals, conservation support efforts, and a sweet love story, this one is for you!
A Bad Mom's Christmas - Look, this isn't technically a rom-com, but it's here for a reason. This one has a great cast and primarily is about what it is to be a mom and to have a relationship with a mom, but it's also got an amazing love plot: a woman who waxes a hot male stripper with a heart of gold and gets his big dick in the end.
A Castle For Christmas - Brooke Shields and Carey Elwes in a movie about a recently divorced romance writer trying to buy a Scottish castle. I mean, come on. There are also some knitters, including a delightful gay bear who knits. Is this movie tropey? Yeah, for sure. But it's still great.
Love Actually - It's a classic for a reason. Is it good? Debatable. Are the relationships healthy? Absolutely not. Do I still love it? Yes.
The Noel Diary - This is the best of the 2022 releases that I’ve seen. We’ve got the wealthy author who’s a devoted bachelor, going back home to take care of his dead mother’s house, and the mystery woman whose mother may have worked for his family. It’s a family mystery, with plenty of brooding and will they/won’t they suspense. Is it as good as some others on this section of the list? No. But it’s the best of this year’s contributions.
• White Christmas - I only mean the version without the horrible minstrel number, obviously, but I love this classic. It’s a sweet story about a couple of dudes who wear some drag and throw a show to help out their former commanding officer. It’s a war movie, a musical, and a Christmas movie all wrapped in one. And, I’ll admit, I always cry at the end.

The Bad

Sometimes you want a beautiful steak, and sometimes you want a hamburger. These are the hamburgers of holiday love movies

• The Knight Before Christmas - An old crone gives an amulet to a knight so he can complete his quest and become a true knight. Said amulet transports him from 1334 to 2019. It’s a gloriously ridiculous fish-out-of-water romance that’s so goofy it’s endearing.
A Christmas Prince Trilogy - Look, these movies are bad, but they’re also delightful. Rose McIver, of iZombie fame, plays the world’s most inept journalist who manages to still marry into royalty. There are so many wacky, hilarious moments in each of these movies, and the leads are very easy on the eyes.
The Princess Switch Trilogy - If A Christmas Prince is bad, The Princess Switch is badder, but that also makes it better in some ways? Each of the movies is thoroughly ridiculous and yet they manage to be somehow endearing. Vanessa Hudgens, who also stars in The Knight Before Christmas, plays up to 3 identical women who are all swapping places in different ways and for different reasons and it’s beautiful chaos.
The Spirit of Christmas - I have shocking news for you - what you need in your life is a movie about a big city lawyer who falls in love with the ghost who spends December 13th to 26th haunting, in a corporeal form, the B&B she’s been tasked with selling. Our ghost is a handsome man who was a rum runner and died mysteriously back in the 1920s. Yes, it’s ridiculous, and there’s no way any of it makes sense, but goodness is it fun.
Single All The Way - Finally, something for the gays! We get a classic “we’ll pretend to be a couple to get my family off of my back,” but queer this time. I expected to be disappointed with this movie, but it actually won me over.
Last Christmas - I want to tell you something about this one, but it would be a spoiler. Let's just say that it's odd I have 2 movies on this list with the same very unusual trope.
Love Hard - Did you always want a rom-com about catfishing? I mean, neither did I, but it turns out this one was fun. It’s also one of the few bigger-budget movies that doesn’t have only white leading actors.•• The Knight Before Christmas - An old crone gives an amulet to a knight so he can complete his quest and become a true knight. Said amulet transports him from 1334 to 2019. It’s a gloriously ridiculous fish-out-of-water romance that’s so goofy it’s endearing.

The Ugly

Sometimes you don't want a hamburger, you want midnight Taco Bell. Something so bad that it circles back around to good again, or something where its terrible-ness ends up making you kind of actually like it even though you'd never admit it. For when you want to hate-watch, or at least pretend that you’re hate watching

The Christmas Wedding Planner - This is one of the worst movies ever and I actually kind of love it? Nothing about it is good. It does have Joey Fatone? But it's exactly what it says on the label. This movie is the most greasy, disgusting Taco Bell at 2 am when you're drunk, which makes it disgusting and perfect somehow.
Mistletoe Mixup - Remember the Lawrence Brothers? What if I told you that there's a movie where they play brothers and, even better, their actual mom plays their mom? But wait, there's more - the two brothers meet and want to date the same woman, and their mom encourages it. This movie is AWFUL but it's also perfect and you need to experience it at least once in your life.
A Princess for Christmas - Look, there are more movies about royalty romance plots than you can imagine. So why this one? Well, it has Sam Heughan and unf.
The Holiday Calendar - Is a magical advent calendar helping our protagonist find love? Of course. Will it be the guy who's great on paper or the artistic long-term friend? Lol, obviously you know how this will go.
Falling for Christmas - This is kind of like a live-action Looney Tunes Christmas rom-com starring Lindsay Lohan. Look, I don't get it either, but somehow it manages to be kind of charming?

The Not-A-Holiday-Movie Movies

We all have that friend who insists that the perfect holiday movie is Die Hard, so here are some holiday movies that aren’t romance movies:

Die Hard - It’s the example that everyone gives of a Christmas movie, but For Dudes I guess? It’s a good example of the late 80s/early 90s action genre and it’s been referenced in tons of other movies, so it’s worth a watch at least once.
Anna and the Apocalypse - If you're looking for a Christmas zombie apocalypse musical this one has you covered. It’s a great little musical, a good zombie movie, and a great Christmas movie for people who don’t like Christmas movies. Honestly, the “Turning My Life Around” alone is a funny enough scene to watch this movie all on its own
Batman Returns - Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, Danny DeVito as the Penguin, and Michael Keaton as Batman: was there ever a better cast? Michelle Pfeiffer did her own whip stunts and even as a 4th grader I wanted her hot leather ensemble. It’s technically set at Christmas, so throw it on and watch with your chosen family!
Gremlins - I debated whether to include this one because there is some stuff that’s definitely racist and some stuff that might be racist, so keep that in mind before watching. It’s still a fun horror movie with adorable puppets who happily cause murderous chaos.
Edward Scissorhands - This Tim Burton classic (unfortunately starring notorious abuser Johnny Depp) is almost a Christmas love movie, but with that special Tim Burton twist. Even though it’s over 30 years old, it’s still a lovely and thoughtful look at the ugliness of the suburbs and the beauty of a weirdo.

Dishonorable Mentions

These are movies I never ever ever want to see again. I watched them so you don't have to.

Happiest Season - This isn't a movie about lesbian love or about the struggles of queerness, it's about a manipulative, selfish jerk who somehow still gets the girl. Fuck this movie.
Christmas Inheritance - I've watched plenty of "big city work-obsessed woman discovers love in a small town" movies that didn't piss me off, but this one did. This feels like trad wife propaganda somehow.
I Hate Christmas - This is literally just Home for Christmas but in Venice instead of Oslo. Not similar, exactly the same. Somehow it manages to turn a show that was lovely and sweet into a lifeless husk. I'm furious that this exists.
Switched for Christmas - Candace Cameron Bure plays twins who swap places and fall in love. So why is it on the naughty list? Cuz the people who wrote and shot this movie have clearly never been to Colorado and butcher Colorado geography to an extent that I cannot even describe. As someone who grew up in Denver, this is unforgivable.

Today is the shortest day and the longest night of the year, the time we can choose to face our darkness and decide what we wish to be and build and become as the light returns to us. The winter solstice is a time to reflect on what we’ve done over the last year of light and darkness, as well as a chance to face down the fear and uncertainty of this longest night. Some people have a candle or fire burn all night on the solstice, a bit of light to chase away this deepest dark. Others honor the shortest day with food, ritual, dance, a sleepless night, or any number of traditions lost to time (and colonialism). And, as I’m sure you know, the Christian celebration of Christmas borrowed its timing and some of its traditions from celebrations of Yule, one of the terms for the day after the longest night.

To me, the solstice is like Christmas and New Year’s Eve rolled into one. It’s a time to find warmth and light to get through the struggles of darkness, a prompt to examine what I’ve been doing and what I want to be doing, and an excuse to celebrate and share gifts and time with the people I care about.

Whether you celebrate any of the various December holidays or none of them, I hope you see your way through this darkest night to the dawn of a new day and the return of light, ever-growing for the next 6 months. May your solstice bring you joy, healing, peace, kindness, love, and warmth.

THE SHORTEST DAY BY SUSAN COOPER
So the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us—Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, feast, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!

It’s the solstice, Christmas, and Hanukkah this month so, like most folks out there, I’m putting together a gift list! Overall, I believe in supporting ethically sourced, inclusive brands, especially focusing on small businesses owned by women, BIPOC folks, LGBTQ+ folks, and fat folks.

With no further ado, here are some websites and products that I love: 

Toys

Who doesn’t love a great sex toy? But who hasn’t felt LOST looking at all the options out there? Here’s a selection of my favorite toys this year as well as my favorite places to buy them.

Funkit Toys NoFrillDo ($20-40)

By now, we’ve probably all heard at least a little bit about how important it is for sex toys to be made of body-safe materials. However, lots of the brands that are most prominent in these discussions can be out of the budget for most folks. Enter the NoFrillDo - a premium silicone dildo in fun colors for a very affordable price. Bonus - if you get a cyan or magenta NoFrillDo you’ll help support the Baltimore Abortion Fund! Funkit Toys also has a plethora of dildos, plugs, and GORGEOUS custom toys in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors if you’re looking to splurge on something nice.

ShotPocket Pleasure Sleeve ($24.99)

Unlike most of the products on this list, I haven’t yet gotten to personally try the ShotPocket. However, as I’ve been doing a bunch of research to find a good stroker for folks with bottom growth from T, this is the one that everyone is raving about. Plus, you don’t end up supporting a person who’s encouraging transphobia and transmedicalism when you buy it (looking at you, Buck-Off, and Kiss X).

Ruby Glow Dusk ($39 at Walmart, $69 at Babeland)

If you want a toy to grind on, The Ruby Glow Dusk is a great choice. It’s got 2 vibrators, a smooth side and a side with ridges, and it’s super portable. It does use batteries instead of being rechargeable, so be aware if that’s an important distinction for you. (I know that many people recommend the Enby by Wild Flower, but Wild Flower attempted to copyright the word “enby” and sued a BIPOC-owned small sex shop over it even though their trademark application was denied, so I would stay far away from Wild Flower.)

Rodeoh Harnesses (price varies)

While I think many of us love the posh feel and look of a leather strap-on harness, we can all agree that they can be tough to keep clean. Plus, sometimes I don’t want to fiddle with straps and buckles, I just want to slide on my dick and get going. Enter the Rodeoh harness. They’re designed to fit like underwear while still giving you all the control you need to wield the dildo of your choice. Rodeoh offers a huge variety of cuts, colors, patterns, and sizes (up to 5x) and, like regular underwear, they’re all easy to wash after use. These days, Rodeoh also has packing underwear, vibrators, dildos, packers, and other fun toys and accessories. My current favorite harness is this Jock Harness ($49.99) which has been giving me all the gender euphoria feels. I also recommend getting the neoprene stabilizers to both cushion the thruster and ensure the dildo is nice and secure while in use.

Satisfyer Pro 2 ($58) 

Clitoral-sucking vibes have been a big deal for the last 7-8 years since Womanizer first debuted their model. Now, there are lots of options in the field. I love the Satisfyer Pro 2 because the suction opening is wider than many other brands/models, so it’s easier to find the right place to put it to create that delicious suction. It’s also much easier to use if you have bottom growth from T than most other brands.

New York Toy Collective

If you want some gorgeous, high-quality toys from a small US company, then look no further than New York Toy Collective. I’m deeply into the Carter ($179), a thick, perfectly squishy dildo with a bendable rod at its core. I also love the Sam STP ($75) and the accompanying STP strap ($29) for days when I want to be able to pack and, well, stand to pee lol. I’m very intrigued by the Jack 2-in-1 stroker ($59) and will be adding it to my own holiday wishlist.

Doxy Die Cast ($189.99)

If you want to really splurge and you love deep, powerful vibration, I strongly recommend the Doxy Die Cast. It’s a hefty beast that can make you scream with rumbly vibes and enough power for fans of the strongest vibes. It comes in 2 sizes, plus has a new rechargeable version; I’ve only personally used the full-size, wall-plug one (not the Die Cast 3 or the rechargeable), so I can’t say whether the other versions are as rumbly as their original counterpart. For those who care about looks, you can buy it in multiple colors and now patterns to match any sense of style!

SheVibe

There’s a reason that most of the best sex educators and bloggers are SheVibe affiliates: it’s simply one of the best places to get sex toys, books, and more online. Unlike lots of web stores, SheVibe groups the toys by how you use them, rather than needlessly (and inaccurately) gendering things like vibrators and butt plugs. They have a HUGE selection and often have some great deals around the holidays. Plus, we’ve got a discount code for you - Use code docliz for 10% off!

Spectrum Boutique

I’ll admit, I’m a bit biased because I love Zoë Ligon, but Spectrum is my favorite online store and almost always the first place I check when I’m shopping for something new. The toys are all high quality, the blog is super educational, and you’re supporting a small, woman-owned business out of Detroit. Plus, we’ve got a discount code for you - use code DrLiz for 15% off!

Lube

Lube is, I think, one of those simple things that separate those who might be good at sex sometimes from those who know their way around a sexual encounter. No matter what kind of bodies are involved, lube can make everything more smooth and slick, and easy. It is important to check that what lube you’re using is going to be okay for your body (this guide can help). Here are some of my favorite lubes

Uberlube

My go-to lube, no matter what, is pretty much always Uberlube. It’s a silicone lube that just freaking does the job for a good long time without feeling gross or wrong. It can take some practice to get used to their bottles and the pump action they use, but the fact that their products are in glass containers instead of plastic makes them one of the most ecologically friendly companies for packaging. If you’re using silicone toys, be aware that using silicone lube with them can cause problems over time, so either use a condom to protect the toy or be sure to spot-test the lube and always wash the toys right after use. Plus, we’ve got a discount code for you - use code DrLiz for 10% off!

Sliquid

If I’m using water-based lube, I tend to reach for Sliquid Sassy. It’s thick and lasts much longer than many other water-based lubes I’ve tried. Sliquid lists the pH of lubes on their website, making it easy to choose ones that are closest to the pH of the body area you’re using them on. Sassy is also great for butt stuff since it’s thicker texture really helps to reduce friction.

Binders

As a trans masc person who has a love/hate relationship with my breasts, I figured I’d give some binder recommendations in case folks are looking for some gifts to support their gender this year.

gc2b

Look, if what you want is a fairly affordable binder ($35 for most half-lengths, $37 for tanks, $45 for racerback), you can’t go wrong with gc2b. They’ve been around for a long time and sell binders that are pretty darned comfortable and even cute sometimes. They have a great guide to measuring yourself in order to pick the right size and they’ll happily walk you through sizing if you have questions. 

For Them

The top of my list for gifts to buy myself (after I recover from my recent move) is a For Them binder. Everyone I talk to says these are the most comfortable binders they’re ever worn, so you know I’m intrigued. All their binders are custom to your measurements, which is pretty awesome, and at $48 they’re still pretty reasonably priced. They even go up to 62 inches in size so they really are made to fit any body that wants to bind. If you want to get a binder for someone else, they even have a specific gift option you can purchase!

Body Wear

Last, I want to share a few shops that I love who work on inclusive clothing and/or undergarments for people of all genders and sizes.

Origami Customs

Full disclosure: my assistant is the one who told me about this company, but now that I’ve looked at their website I am planning a shopping trip. Origami Customs does undergarments, swimwear, and lingerie as well as binders, gaffs, and packing undergarments. For each item, you can either choose from a standard size or get it customized for free. Yes, really. They center trans, non-binary, and queer folks in everything they do and every item has pictures of it on a variety of body shapes and sizes (including trans and fat people). I’m so into their offerings and can’t wait to see what they offer next. 

Dapper Boi

For trans masc folks, Dapper Boi has been a go-to source of masculine clothes that fit bodies with the kinds of shapes that most “men’s” clothing isn’t designed for. Their clothes can be on the pricier side since they’re generally done in pretty small runs. Their business model is different than most clothing brands I’ve seen. They run pre-order/crowdfunding campaigns for new garments which get you the best prices and deals, so if the price is an issue for you (and let’s be real, who isn’t it an issue for these days), it’s worth either signing up for their mailing list or checking the website regularly. 

Chub Rub Clothing

When I was drafting this list, I wanted to include Bawdy Love as they made the most FABULOUS lingerie, centering fat people in both the items made and their marketing. But, unfortunately, Bawdy Love has been going through a major restructuring in the second half of this year. One of the founders is going to be transitioning to a new company, Chub Rub Clothing, and you can sign up at the link above to be the first to hear about their clothes once they’re available. Until now, you can scroll through the Chub Rub Instagram page to see all the fabulous garments they made in their previous incarnation. 


We’ve all been there - our partner used to see us as the newest shiniest person in
their life, then they meet someone new and all of a sudden we’re chopped liver. They
aren’t talking to us much, they might cancel dates, and all they talk about is their
new person. This. Sucks. Even if your partner isn’t being particularly rude, feeling
the heat of their attention transferring to someone else can be disheartening. So
what do you do when your partner has some strong NRE (new relationship energy) for someone else?

First of all, take some time to take care of yourself. Have you filled out the worksheet
on self-care while your sweetie dates? If not, do that now. What are the things you
can do to take care of yourself when you’re feeling left out, left behind, or less
wanted? How can you show yourself some good love? You want to do this first
because you’re likely to be able to have much more productive conversations if
you’re relatively centered and if you’ve taken some time to care for your own needs.


Next, find something to focus on other than what you’re not getting. Maybe that’s a
new dance class, a fun TV show, a new hobby, time with friends, a great book, or a
new dating friend for you! Whatever form it takes, the more you can find and build
your own joy, the easier it is to ride out the waves of your partner’s NRE.

Third, figure out who your support people are. Who are the folks who can hear
your concerns and complaints while keeping you balanced and grounded? We all
have those friends who will jump right on the “fuck that guy!” train - those aren’t
the friends we’re talking about here. Instead, you would likely benefit most from
identifying which of your friends can hear you with kindness and compassion and
help you keep things in perspective. After all, I’m sure that you’ve gotten stuck in the
NRE hole once or twice yourself, right? Having friends who can love and support
you and give you a solid reality check is essential for riding out a partner’s NRE.

If none of these are helping you and your partner’s NRE choices are still bugging
you, take some time to figure out what you want and need from your partner and
what they’ve done that upset or hurt you.

Now that you’ve sketched out what you need to say, ask your partner for a chat.
Let them know about how much time you think you’ll need and make sure you
can both find a time that seems like it will work. Remember that you are going to
have missteps too one day, so the more kindness and compassion you bring to
bear in a conversation, the better things are likely to be for you when your partner
needs to have a tough conversation with you about things you’ve done. Remind
yourself that you care about this person and that they aren’t themselves because
of biochemistry right now.

When you sit down to chat, try to focus on what it is you need from them. It’s
easy when we’re hurt to want to dump all of that pain onto them. While I’ll never
tell you that you can’t do something, dumping your hurt onto someone doesn’t
often lead to a productive conversation and positive outcome. If what you want is
to strengthen your relationship, a big crying, screaming fight isn’t likely to do it.

Be honest with your partner. Let them know you’re hurting and what is leading to the
hurt. Then listen to them and try, as best you can, to understand their perspective
too. Usually when someone is doing things from NRE, they aren’t doing them with
the intention of hurting you, they just aren’t thinking of the consequences of their
actions.

Finally, come up with a plan, the two of you together, for how you can move forward
from here. Is there a code word you can say to them when the NRE is making them
act like a jerk? Is there a commitment to a certain amount of time or attention
that will help you? Knowing your love languages can be particularly helpful here as
someone whose language is touch might not be happy with a plan that’s focused
on gifts. What can you both realistically stick with to help your relationship grow
and thrive while they explore this new thing? How can you support your partner as
they try to make it through their NRE with as little damage as possible all around?

If this conversation goes well, you’ll likely emerge from it as a stronger partnership.
However, if your partner can’t hear your concerns or offer to make changes that
will help you feel better during the NRE rush, it might be worth considering what
that means for you in this relationship. Check out the chapters on boundaries and
changing levels for more guidance about what your next steps might be.

Excerpt from the chapter Dating Struggles in the book Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell.

Like what you're reading? Read the rest right now with your own ebook copy! Grab it here

Imagine you’ve been doing non-monogamy for a while and you meet someone for a date. They initially say they’re cool with non-monogamy, but you notice they’re not really dating anyone else. After a few weeks or months, they ask you why you still want non-monogamy and imply that you should want to be monogamous for them.

When a monogamous person goes into a non-monogamy community with the desire to “lasso” someone out for themselves, that person is called a cowboy/cowgirl/cowperson.

As far as I can tell, their thought process is that the non-monogamy community is where the hot people are who do fun sex things and obviously they are so uniquely awesome that no one would choose non-monogamy when the cowperson offered monogamy. The Netflix series She’s Gotta Have It provides ample examples of this dynamic. All of Nola’s partners expect her to break up with everyone else and be monogamous with them, despite her frequent statements that she’s happy with dating multiple people.

Why is this a problem? Well, cow-folks are generally deceiving their partners into thinking that they do want non-monogamy when they don’t. It’s a manipulative and coercive means of “tricking” someone into doing things your own way. It doesn’t honor the wants or needs of the non-monogamous partner and, in fact, intends to steam roll them into complying with the desires of the cowperson.

What should you do instead? Be up front about what you are or aren’t looking for. If you want monogamy, say it. If you want to do swinging, say it. If you want a strict hierarchy . . . you get the idea. If you feel like you need to use deception in order to get a relationship with someone, you probably need to do some more work on understanding and accepting yourself before you get into dating. Be honest! People can’t fall in love with a person who doesn’t exist.

Want to read more? Grab your own paperback or ebook copy today!

Earlier this week I wrote a twitter thread about what it's like to have big, hard feelings right now as we move through the darkness of winter and the ongoing pandemic and coup. Some of what I'm talking about will be similar to this thread.

winter is hard and COVID sucks!

It is super common for folks to feel lonely, isolated, or down during the (Christian-centric) holiday season. It's dark outside, it's cold, and lots of media shows us happy families and couples basking in their love for each other. So when you're single/not close to fam? Woof.

This year, we get the extra dose of a deadly pandemic. So many of us who are single or not close with family or living far away from those we care about have already been facing isolation and loneliness for months. During the summer, at least we could do outdoor gatherings. Now?

Now it's cold, rainy, snowy, and COVID cases are surging everywhere. All of that loneliness and isolation is just settling in deeper to hibernate with us for the winter. And yes, yay! there's a vaccine!, but most of us aren't going to be getting the vaccine anytime soon.

And even once *we* get the vaccine it's still not safe for us to "return" to "normal" because lots of folks can't get vaccinated and there's no proof that vaccinated folks won't spread the virus. So we're still months and months from any end to this isolation.

Being this alone for this long, this cut off, is really really f*cking hard. It's exhausting to the bones. There are so many days where I feel like Artax, just sinking into the sadness, unable to get myself out of it. I'm so glad I got a dog because at least I get some cuddles.

coping is a journey

But, look, I'm a slutty extrovert who goes weeks without seeing people, who went 6ish months with no sex at all with other people, whose entire physical contact with humans in one month of this year was one hug. It's physically painful to be this alone for this long.

When we feel this deep isolation, it can be overwhelming, and maybe we want to run from it or hide from it. I've been tempted to just do way more cannabis than I otherwise would. Or to scroll Twitter for hours and hours. Or play mobile games until it's suddenly/finally bedtime.

It can feel like it's easier to run away from our feelings, or to push them away, or to pretend they're not there. I see so many hustle culture posts that, to me, seem like someone yelling at the passengers on the Titanic to stop panicking and finish their novel already.

And then you throw in this ongoing coup, the attacks on the rights of BIPOC folks to live, work, and be, the attacks on trans folks, the refusal of the US government to do anything meaningful to support our population, and it's just too much. It's too much every single day.

While some may encourage us to find ways to push through or soldier on, I think it's important for us to just see each other in this space. To validate that pretty much everyone is deep in the sh*t right now. To see each other struggling and say, hey, I get it, I'm here with you.

We don't need to fix each other or find the silver lining. Maybe the most powerful thing we can do for each other right now is practice being with each other when it's hard and sh*tty and we don't want to deal with anymore. To witness each other and care for each other.

What if, instead of trying to put on a happy face for each other, we normalized showing each other where we're really at. Answering "how are you?" with our real answer. Being vulnerable and raw in our hurt and fear and loneliness and uncertainty. And have that be okay.

Because if we're going to come out the other side of this someday, these feelings aren't going to just magically vanish. All this trauma and deprivation won't be cured once we can go to bars again. It's still going to be there. Those feelings aren't going away until we feel them.

The part about trauma treatment that folks hate, but that works, is re-opening the stuff we shoved into a box in a dark corner because it felt too wild and overwhelming. Because we were sure that if we just *felt* it then we would never get out of it. It would be us forever.

What tends to be true is that those feelings have a natural course. They can't go anywhere until they run that course. When we keep them shoved down, we're just making sure they'll pop up somewhere else instead. They're like a beach ball; we can't shove them under the water.

These feelings are hard and they can feel too wild and unruly to bear. And we must create space to be with them, even though they're challenging, because they're our reality. Pretending I'm not lonely doesn't change the reality of my isolation. But it can rot me from the inside.

allow yourself to feel

Fully feeling my loneliness helped me decide to try some online dating. Not because it would guarantee that I'd meet someone, but because *not* doing anything would guarantee that my loneliness won't change. I have to at least take a chance on something if I want a change.

However, until I really let myself feel that loneliness and isolation and fear and despair I was able to just pretend like I'd be able to get through the rest of COVID life without changing anything. I told myself that there was nothing I *could* change or that was worth changing.

Being present to my real feelings, all of them, all the way, was what showed me that I wasn't okay. That I couldn't do the same things I was doing. I'm still really lonely. I'm still really isolated. That's not likely to meaningfully change. But I have choices now.

I also have a clearer understanding of where I'm actually at. I'm not okay. I'm sad and lonely and desperate for contact and closeness. I'm struggling to do even basic things for myself like taking the recycling down to the garbage room. And lots of you are struggling too.

We're living through a global pandemic with no support from our government while white supremacists stage a coup and transphobia surges in the public sphere. Being around people can literally kill us but we as a species are social creatures. It's too much. It's all too much.

There's no hustle or bright side that will make all of it not too much. We can't earn or produce or face tune our way out of these feelings. We can find moments of joy or fun or play or beauty, they just exist in this larger context. So we have to feel it all.

find your joy

Being in reality is the best gift we can give ourselves. Because once we let ourselves be here, we can decide what to do about it. We can find love and joy and pleasure and play. And, perhaps most importantly, we can only find connection when we're in reality.

So, this holiday season, let's make space for each other to be wherever we are. To struggle, to be sad, to be lonely. Let's only ask "how are you" when we're ready to hear a *real* answer. And let's support each other as much as we can while we all muddle through this together.

On December 21st we have the Solstice. After that, the days start getting longer. While the end of 2020 won't mean the end of all of this, it is one kind of ending. I intend to start 2021 tuning into my body and my heart and giving myself love. How do you want to start the year?

If you want to start the year like I'm going to, I'm going to be offering an email course for folks. It'll run for 6 weeks, from December 30th to February 10th, and it's all about loving on yourself. Enroll now through Jan. 5th.

Take care,

Dr. Liz

The first Pride was a reckoning, born out of anti-cop riots led by black queer and trans folx. And just like then, we are now facing another reckoning in this country. What has been cannot stand, we cannot continue to allow injustice, to allow the state sanctioned murder of so many of our black citizens. My voice is not the most important one; we need to listen to those most affected by these injustices. So, below are ways we can support those fighting, and below are voices to listen to.

I’ll be updating my twitter page regularly with new resources but here are some places to start: 

Educate Yourself: 

How non-black folx can talk with/support their black friends: a thread. 

thread of black arts and black sexual freedom organizations and individuals. 

Anti-racist resources in Spanish. 

10 steps to non-optical allyship

Follow and join The Great Unlearn from Rachel Cargle

Resources for white people to deepen your anti-racism work. Check it out here.

This doesn’t go away once the topic isn’t, trending. Learn about next steps here.

Receive a free book for every $10 you donate to racial justice organizations via Thorntree Press.

Engage in Reparations: 

Send money to black, indigenous and people of color via venmo or cashapp and here

In Los Angeles? Support LA’s Black-owned restaurants here

In Portland? Support Portland’s Black-owned restaurants here

Donate to the Black Resilience Fund here and move money towards black Portlanders.

Donate to Black Lives Matter: Find the main donation page here. You can also get involved with your local BLM chapter. Find the list here.

Donate to a bail fund: Many people are crowdsourcing lists of local organizations that help bail out protesters who get arrested. Check it out on twitter here or view the Google Doc here.

Support the National Police Accountability Project: This group, a project of the National Lawyers Guild, helps people find legal counsel. More info here.

Support Campaign Zero, a police reform group that has been working on policy solutions “informed by data and human rights principles.” More info here.

Donate to the Mutual Aid Fund for Sex Workers of Color in New York. 

Purchase a CSA box from black farms to send to black families experiencing food insecurity in Portland.

A thread of black owned candle companies. 

Add Your Voice: 

Sign a petition: Civil rights group Color of Change launched a petition asking that all the officers involved in Floyd’s death are brought to justice. Find it here.

Another petition: The “Justice for George Floyd” petition on Change.org already has over 10 million supporters. Help send a big message. Find it here.

The New York State legislature must repeal Civil Rights Law 50-a, which has been used to shield law enforcement from accountability by preventing transparency regarding acts of misconduct by police officers. Sign the petition here.

Breonna Taylor survived the frontlines of a pandemic that disproportionately kills Black people, only to have her life stolen by police on March 13. Fight for Breonna and take action here.

On May 27, Tony McDade, a black LGBTQ person, was shot and killed by a Tallahassee Police Department (TPD) officer. Fight for justice for Tony here

When Julius Jones was 19-years-old, he was convicted of a murder he says he did not commit. Help save his life here.

Additional Resources: 

An easy tool for anonymizing photographs taken at protests. Use the tool here.

Obama has created a page with many other important links and information. Check it out here.

Compilation list of petitions, funds, and legal resources including individual venmos and cashapps for black organizers needing support now. 

thread of black geek creators to follow

List of black creatives and activists in the food and beverage industry to support

List of black owned banks and credit unions. 

A list of organizations working to advance black food sovereignty

——-

There are many groups and people out there to support. Continue sharing, giving, protesting, educating yourself, engaging in mutual aid with your communities and more. This isn’t the end, it is only the beginning.

Last week, I wrote a twitter thread about some of the things I’m telling my clients during the COVID-19 pandemic. I’ve collected it below all in one place, so that as many people as possible can have access to it and get some benefit. 

Read on for the complete thread.

Hey everyone! I’m a therapist working with folks during this pandemic and I thought I would share some of the things I’m telling my clients so that if you can’t access a therapist, you can at least get a little bit of the benefit here.

This thread will go over the themes that are coming up in my clients and friends and family and then share what I would say or recommend for those having similar thoughts/experiences. Obviously, this isn’t a substitute for you having your own therapist or support network.

Theme 1: I feel so scared, what do I do?

Right now you feel scared because this is a genuinely scary time. It makes sense that you’re scared. It’s okay to be scared. There isn’t an easy answer here. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to put that away for a while

Be aware of what you’re doing to cope with this fear. Are you using alcohol/marijuana/other substances? How will you know if that use is becoming a problem for you? Are you still talking with friends and those you’re close with or isolating yourself?

How are you moderating your consumption of information? What’s the balance for you between staying informed and increasing your fear? What are you doing to take care of your body? What are you eating? When did you drink water last? Have you been sleeping? When did you shower?

Most of all, when it comes to this fear, we are at the start of what may be a year or two of dealing with this crisis, so remember that this is a marathon not a sprint. What do you need to keep yourself as healthy and happy as possible as this goes on?

Theme 2: I’m non-monogamous and what does that even mean during this pandemic?

I’ll be honest – dating is going to be really really different for the next 6/12/18/+ months. For those of us who are non-mono, this is going to be a very complicated time.

To be fully transparent, I’ve cried a few times in the last couple of weeks about the real possibility that my partner, and I for that matter, might not be able to date other folks for such a long time. I want my partner to have other people. I want to have other people!

Depending on how these things go, we may not be able to see new folks in “meat space,” and kiss them or hook up with them, in a way that manages COVID-19 transmission risk very well. Each of us has to figure out how we want to manage risk and what level of risk is okay for us. 

We also need to be mindful of how our risk management decisions impact the people already in our lives. What are we exposing them to? How do they feel about that risk? Is it a risk worth taking? How do we balance our desire to connect with our responsibility to those we love?

If you’re someone who tends to be really slutty or have lots of partners, this might be an especially tough time. What makes more sense to you, trying to find ways to broaden your connection base or pre-emptively working on acceptance that you won’t have new folks for a while?

How can you find creative solutions? Video sex dates with lovers? Phone calls? Sexting? How do you decide which in-person contacts are worth the risk for you? How do you cope with your disappointment when the risks are too large? What do you need to make the best choices you can? 

If you and your partner(s) are reducing how open your relationships are for a while, how will you adapt to them being more open again in the future? What resources might you need to transition out of what might be similar to monogamy or a closed triad for you during this time?

If one/both/many of you were struggling with non-monogamy before, how will you handle that when it’s a real possibility again for you/your partner(s) to date again? How will you determine how much closeness you need and how much space? Can you model that balance now too?

Theme 3: I’m an extravert and I’m DYING

Look, as an extravert, this is really fucking hard. I spent the last 2 weeks with my partner who I love and it was NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE. I did video chats and Netflix Parties and it’s just not the same.

What kinds of contact can you get now? What makes contacts better or worse for you? Do you prefer real time or asynchronous? Video or picture or text? How often do you need contact with folks? How often do you need space from the same folks you’ve been seeing?

There are some great apps that will help remind you to reach out to folks (which is great if, like me, you fall into the ADHD hole of forgetting people when they’re not in front of you). I use Fabriq, but there are tons of them. Who are your top 10-15 people to connect with?

What do you notice yourself doing or feeling when you need connection? What do you notice yourself doing or feeling when you need time alone? What do you notice yourself doing or feeling when you need in person connection? Make lists of these and post them somewhere!

Theme 4: I’m so lonely

Look y’all, even when we’re with people, this can be a hard or lonely time. Social distancing is rough on humans. We’re social creatures, we need touch, we need connection. Who knows when we’ll be able to just go to a club and dance and co-regulate again. 

Do you know what your love languages are? Knowing how you most receive and give love can help you start brainstorming ways to get those needs met during this time. Maybe you can start a letter writing chain in your neighborhood or building.

Maybe you find a special stuffed animal or blanket or sweater or robe or something that you can cuddle for your touch needs. Maybe you get groceries for those in your area who can’t do it for themselves. Maybe you set up regular weekly calls with your beloveds.

If you’re lonely, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. This is a lonely time. We have to keep ourselves away from others to try to flatten the curve. I wish there was something else to tell you. Make the connections you can, and know that my heart is going out to you.

Theme 5: I don’t know what to do

None of us do. There is almost no one alive who has experienced a global pandemic before, and no one alive who has, before this one, lived through a global pandemic in the age of social media and 24hr news. This is a new thing.

In general, right now most of us probably need to FEEL more and DO less. Definitely do help others as you can, take good care of yourself, and support those striking for better conditions. But for the majority of us, the best thing we can do is love and live and get through.

It’s okay to be less productive right now. It’s okay to spend more time watching TV. You don’t need to be working on saving the world all of the time. Saving you is a big part of saving the world. Loving the people around you is a big part of saving the world.

Capitalism tells us that our value is our productivity – that’s a lie. Your worth is in you, it is that there is no one else who is you or who is like you. If you never work again, you are still worthy. Your number one task right now is to care for yourself.

After you care for yourself, then you can work on caring for others. Give what you can, give as freely as you can. Give from a full cup, not an empty one. Beware of burnout, and beware of the voices that tell you that you, the individual, are responsible for making things work

You’re responsible for you and for helping those around you as much as you can. No one person will solve this crisis. If you’re a researcher or medical provider or you work at a grocery store or do delivery, you’re already doing a ton. Take care of yourself. Please.

We are all able to give more when we feel well resourced. Resources are more than just money or food or housing, they’re also our emotional health, sexual fulfillment, and love we’re receiving. We have to share as freely as possible, so we have to make sure we’re full too.

Be generous, don’t be a martyr. Find your own balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of others. This goes extra for those in the kinds of work right now supporting others during this pandemic. I’m saying this to me too. If you’re giving to others, find balance

Theme 6: Death and mourning

Right now, lots of us are starting to experience anticipatory grief. This is the feeling you have when you’re getting ready for someone(s) you know to die. If you haven’t really lost people close to you before, this can be much harder.

None of us know who might die of this virus. It is likely that all of us will lose folks who are close to us. Grief is so hard. And when you’re new to it, it can feel like an unbearable weight. We will get through this, and those who survive will be changed deeply by it. 

Not all change is bad! More folks experience post-traumatic growth than PTSD. That doesn’t make the trauma easier at the time. Give yourself space to grieve. Grieve the loss of the life you had. Grieve the events that were cancelled. Grieve the loss of time with others.

Grieve lost jobs, lost opportunities, lost potential, lost hope. Grieve. Grieve and grieve again. Those of us in the states in particular have terrible cultural ideas about grief – we basically ignore it or deny it. Look instead to traditions that honor death and grief. 

In the Victorian era, you could grieve for YEARS. You could wear the black and be exempted from much of the societal expectations for as long as you needed to. There’s no time limit on grief, and there’s no wrong thing to grieve. If you’re grieving, you’re grieving and it’s valid.

Give yourself space to feel your feelings, and give yourself space to live even if others don’t. Find the joy you can, find the connection you can with those who understand. If anyone tells you that you shouldn’t grieve something or you’ve been grieving too long, they’re wrong

How you feel is how you feel. And the world keeps going too. So find the balance for you there. Your balance will be your own and may not look like anyone else’s. Remember that there will always be grief, and there will always be joy, and we will always need to be open to both.

Final Notes & Additional Suggestions: 

  • Find media that helps you with where you are right now. I’ve been loving Frozen 2 for this time, as well as Madam Secretary.
  • Fall apart! It’s okay! You can always get back together another day. 
  • Ask for help when you need it! Give as much help as you can!
  • Get your affairs in order! Put together a will, and advance directive for medical care, or any other legal matters. I put info about that here –drlizpowell.com/mortality/
  • Figure out who you would want contacted if you get sick and make sure that list is shared with others.

Helping Others:

Over the last few weeks I’ve donated over 1,000 dollars to various share cares for individuals that work in the sex sphere. This is especially important as government funds and direct payments often exclude individuals that offer these types of services or work in this field. On this twitter thread there were a lot of suggestions for individuals and groups you can donate to if you have extra resources. I’ve included some below as well.

If you know of others, comment below!

Be well,

Dr. Liz

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